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Fundamental Advice to Next Year's Freshman Class

Katie Faughnan

As you probably already know, attending Boston College is a blessing in and of itself. Messing up this opportunity would not only waste your parents' money, but would spell disaster for you in every aspect of life. In order to ensure that you successfully take advantage of every opportunity here at Boston College, I, Katie Faughnan, have so graciously taken up the position of your informant. Now that I am finishing my freshman year, I can say with confidence that I have the tools you need to succeed.

The first thing you need to know is that your social standing here at Boston College is crucial to your eventual success. You need to learn a few social rules before coming to college, in order to avoid any embarrassing slip-ups that may cost you friends. Please, for your health and sanity, never let the following scene happen:

BC Kid #1: Man, I can't go out tonight, I have a biology midterm tomorrow.

BC Kid #2: Yo, stop being a fag. You're coming out tonight.

Making a mistake like this has caused the second student to deem you a “fag.” The term “fag” is an insulting way of referring to a male homosexual. The word is a shortened version of “faggot,” which originally described a bundle of wood used to burn homosexuals (Urbandictionary.com). It also refers to weak British school boys, who were servants to their older schoolmates (Webster.com). All in all, there is nothing remotely desirable about being called such a name.

As it is the antithesis of everything cool and conventional, being a fag is entirely unacceptable. If you are called a fag too many times, it will slowly - or not so slowly - become obvious that you are not the type to hang out with; you are deemed “weird” and “different.” Avoid any possible situation where your actions could be interpreted as such; your social life hinges on it.

As in this case, an action that places anything above your social life can be interpreted as “faggy.” The faggiest of them all is schoolwork, apathetic excuse for not going out. Let the fewest amount of people see you working, and if at all possible, avoid all work. And don't even think of going to the library - they're all fags. After all, as long as you reinforce your traditional values, playing your part in our heterosexual and role-based society, the grades you get in college don't really matter. The connections that you make here will be your salvation.

But schoolwork is not the only instance where your actions can precipitate your social suicide. Be wary of anything that displays emotions or feelings; you never know if something can be deemed faggy overnight. You can care about things such as the gym, chicks, and drinking, but don't care too much. If you get too wrapped up in a girl, or something pathetic like poetry, you're sure to be named a fag. When a male does anything remotely feminine, such as wearing tight clothing, this action can bring on the pain as well. Enforce your masculinity. Don't back down. There's a reason why guys are guys and girls are girls. Don't cross the line.

Furthermore, whenever there is something heavy that needs to be moved, don't move the smallest possible piece. If you do not exert your strength and carry your 22-inch plasma all by yourself, you're just a weak fag. What kind of man are you? Don't you bench press 195? It is important to realize, however, that being indifferent is acceptable. As long as you don't try and fail, you are not a fag.

Does it seem too hard for you? Don't be too worried, it's okay to slip up once or twice; everyone forgets their place once in a while. Basically, I want you to think of these rules more as guidelines - but guidelines that are pretty strict to the point where they're pretty much rules.

Don't forget, however, that this relationship is not one-sided. It may seem counterintuitive, but you can avoid being called a fag and still not live up to your social potential! You must, in turn, call others fags in the appropriate situations. It really doesn't matter if your friends, family or whomever you grew up with do not use the word in their everyday lives. If you really want to enjoy college, then I recommend absorbing your surroundings and embracing what seems to be the way things go. Because slang is often overused and tends to fade out, you should get in as much appropriate usage while you still can. But always be careful; you don't want to be the only one using it if it is suddenly phased out.

You can't really know someone until you cut them down and see how they react to it. When you call someone a fag, or learn the social cues that allow you to avoid being called one, you are just getting closer to your friends. Basically, use the word fag to develop a stronger and more united group. You, as a group, reinforce what you believe (and the meaning of our society). These are the connections you'll want to remember later in life because these are the best days of our lives.

Sincerely,

Katie Faughnan